Depanz Report

Correction Regarding "Phish-Approved"

The manufacturer, Depanzable, Inc., has acknowledged that the claim that Depanz is "Phish-approved," is not accurate; they have no information that members of Phish have actually used a Depanz, nor authorized a statement that, regardless of personal use, the band has approved the use of Depanz. Furthermore, the company acknowledged that any statement that Depanz is "Phish-concert approved" is also not accurate. Other than that, it's Phish-approved.

Revised Information for Consumers

A result of the GvJI investigation, Depanzable, Inc. has agreed to revise the consumer information statement that is included with each new Depanz (see Table below). Users of "pre-owned" Depanz should consider attending only events of short duration.

From the Manufacturer   ADVISORIES * Wearing a Depanz is not a substitute for responsible drinking - it "knows" only about what came out, not what you put in. * Wearing a full Depanz for more than one (1) week may result in flattened buttocks, rashes, and back problems due to a much lower center of gravity. * If you have consumed fruit juices, or fruit flavored alcoholic beverages, and you wear a Depanz for more than 24 hours during warm weather, you may attract fruit flies, fruit bats, bears, dung beetles, geckos, and if you live in East Africa, green mambas (Dendroaspis angusticeps), which eat geckos. * In a few cases, hallucinatory symptoms such as "I woke up with an ass goiter" have been reported. Symptoms usually subside with the removal of the Depanz.   CAUTIONS * DO NOT SWIM, use a hot tub, wading pool, puddles, bird baths, communion font, or visit Lourdes while wearing a fresh or filled Depanz as drowning will likely result. * DO NOT DRIVE, or operate heavy machinery, while wearing an over-filled Depanz as cases of emotional instability, "Load Rage," resulting in vehicle chases and shootings have been reported. Such behavior will, at minimum, affect your auto insurance premiums. * A filled Depanz may raise your vehicle seat position placing you eye-level with a window visor or vehicle ceiling, thereby obscuring vision. If your vehicle is equipped with a sun-roof, your head may extend outside the vehicle exposing you to (among other things) ridicule, flying debris, crop dusting, and aerial defecation.   WARNINGS * Depanz contains a gel agent for semi-drying contents. Depending on the amount alcohol consumed, the flexible gelatinous mass may have explosive properties similar to Napalm B. Dispose of a used Depanz by burying it at an EPA-approved site (not your in-laws's/neighbor's yard). * As tempting as it may be to blow stuff up, DO NOT attempt to ignite a Depanz while it is being worn (by you, or someone else). * If a Depanz becomes torn while being worn remove immediately because the drying agent in Depanz will begin to absorb moisture from the surrounding environment. Although rare, cases of complete or partial mummification have been reported.