Col. Lionel "Mulchy" Hotchkiss
Royal Marines (Ret.)

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Dear Col:  I would like to attract more carrion to my yard this spring. Any suggestions?

TGT:  A quick round of inquiries (with chasers) amongst the habituals at The Porcine Cat Inn suggests "No" and variations on "disgusting" would be the overwhelming response of the educated population at large. The common view is that dead things have an obstinate nature - at least while largely intact. No longer sentient, they don't respond well to verbal entreaties to leave, nor does a brusque nudge from the toe of well-worn wellie entice its decampment. So, the implication that you would be moved to welcome the unmoving to your patch of Gaia suggests, frankly, the lack of a reality-based infrastructure.

No, no good can come of it, except the potential for boils, festering sores, pestilence, boll weevils, tree cankers - and that's just on the dog.

Now a White Nimbus (vodka and Maalox) at a table in the corner, suggested that perhaps you were thinking about attracting raptors and such, so carrion as a food source might just be the ticket. Then good gravy, why didn't you say so? I could have saved the round of drinks necessary for eliciting the opinions of these dull thistles.

The major issue with the corner table's suggestion is that hawks, falcons. etc., hunt food, which they bring back to the nest for a proper squat-down meal. On the other hand, carrion, a gustable favored by buzzards, presents the prospect of an unsavory display of flesh pulled apart at some road side gathering, and perhaps regurgitated later to provide sustenance to its kiddies.

And there is the locomotion aspect to this discussion. What, or who, will be depositing, or dragging, carcasses onto your property? Having your "estate" referred to as the "Bone Yard" by neighbors will likely affect real estate values over a tibia-throw or longer area in the surrounding neighborhood(s).

Enfin, like your Native-Americans, I can foresee the need to burn bundles of sage to spiritually cleanse the dumping ground, as well as to hide offensive odors.

Speaking of sage, I prefer to accompany televised vulture carrion fests with a nice slice of Sage Derby cheese paired with a fruity wine, if available, or perhaps a buttery chardonnay.

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Heh Col:  I would like to see one of those Pixelated Woodpeckers in my garden. How?

TGT:   Not too likely in your garden, but download this image. Load it into your favorite image editing program and zoom to about 900%. That should do it.

If you anticipate an extending period of viewing, a generous glass of Lucid Absinthe Superieure might be in order.